It’s been a long time since I watched a movie as bad as Robin Hood, the 2010 version starring Russell Crowe… and I’m not exactly a connoisseur of movies. For example, my favourite movie is probably Blade or Resident Evil and I’m well-known in my family for happily laughing my way through all manner of B movies – and enjoying them!
I mean wow! How sucky does a film have to be before they fire the director or whatever it is they do with directors who completely screw things up?
For a start there was the accents. Russell Crowe as Robin Longstride (wtf?). His accent wavered between Geordie, Irish and god knows what with a hint of Scottish thrown in for good measure.
Kevin Durand as Little John, trying for a Scottish accent or an Irish one and failing miserably at both… and by the way, who the f*** gave the go-ahead for Little John, the epitome of Englishness, to be anything but English?! It was the same with Will Scarlet (played by Scott Grimes) – his accent was supposed to be Scottish or Irish, I couldn’t tell which. C’mon, Will Scarlet – Scottish? Puhlease – and I’m Scottish! English legends should be English.
I can see what happened with Kevin Durand (Little John) – they needed an actor who was actually a fair bit taller than Russell Crowe and as he’s 5’11” they decided to go for one who is 6’6″ – the fact that he can’t act and sucks at accents seems not to have troubled the casting director.
Then there was the awful, awful story – Robin Hood wasn’t Robin Hood after all, he was someone who took on Robin of Loxley’s persona so he could score a few quid and deliver a sword to Robin of Loxley’s father, who, having been told the bad news, apparently decided Robin Longstride was his son after all – as did Maid Marion, played by the anorexic-looking Cate Blanchet. I mean, Cate Blanchet as a woman who’s ability to instill desire in men has seen her legend run through the ages? Gimme a break! If she really had been Maid Marion the legend would’ve been along the lines of;
“Maid Marion? Bit of a munter to be honest but Robin Hood was nice – he gave me three loaves of bread.”
The story, such as it was, meanders from one pre-staged load of tripe to another with barely any effort at coherence until the ‘big battle scene’ at the end when the French have a go at invading. I won’t spoil the ending for you. Suffice to say the part where the Shetland ponies are wheeled into battle really gives an ‘authentic’ feel to things (in case you missed it, that was sarcasm).
So if you’re tempted to buy this movie – don’t. It sucks. It sucks really, really badly. The Casting sucks. The acting sucks, the accents suck, the storyline really, really, really sucks. Possibly the worst film I’ve ever seen.
A final word for Casting Directors – if you want a Scottish accent in a movie – hire a f***ing Scotsman (or Mike Myers) – there are millions of us! Similarly, if you want an English accent, hire a f***ing Englishman!