No more need be said. I have man flu.
Someone sent this to me and I thought it was very funny.
Without further ado, I give you, ‘Diary of a pet’
8:00 am – Dog food! My favourite!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favourite!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favourite!
10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favourite!
11:00 am – Went to the vet. Bummer.
12:00 pm – Lunch! My favourite!
1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favourite!
5:00 pm – Milk bones! My favourite!
7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favourite!
8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite!
11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favourite!
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
I feel tired.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. I am so, so tired.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
But I feel tired.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
I must find somewhere for a little nap.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
I should really go back to sleep.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
This tired me a lot. I need to sleep.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. B*stards! Under the radiator looks cosy & warm, I will sleep there.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow – but at the top of the stairs. I woke up and left a small present for them, I wonder if they will find it.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. I’ve only had 18 hours of sleep today, I must try to get my usual amount tomorrow.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe – For now.
I will think about how to despatch him whilst I sleep.
Thanks to television and Hollywood movies I have come to the conclusion that;
- Everyone but me can hotwire any vehicle
- Everyone but me drives a car that will keep going after smashing through steel gates and jumping over an open drawbridge
- Everyone but me leaves their spare keys above the sun visor
- Everyone but me can shoot the eyebrows from a fly at 100 metres
- Everyone but me can throw a knife with deadly accuracy
- Everyone but me can snap an opponent’s neck like a twig with a single twist
- Everyone but me can knock out any opponent with a single blow
- Everyone but me hack into the CIA’s computers using nothing except an electronic calculator
- Everyone but me can open any locked door using a credit card or a paperclip
- Everyone but me has a sculpted body, a sixpack and perfectly chiselled features
Sometimes it’s good to just have some random stuff posted without the big blurb to go with it, so here we go, my first random-link post to some funny or mildly interesting stuff I’ve recently encountered on the internet.
Man cuts off own penis in pizza restaurant
Strongman Pulls 16,300-pound Airliner 12 Feet – with his ears
MySpace Tom mistaken for Internet Pervert – clueless parent at work
Woman ‘tricked into sex’ by penis cream treatment – wtf?!
US prison chief arrested in Iraq – accused of aiding the enemy
Man convicted of killing neighbor after yard-mowing dispute – a cut too far
Prozac approved for Dogs – wuff life for a dog
Although Rachael Bell, or “Rach” as she’s known to her friends, has apologised publicly for the “Unofficial Skins Party” and the £20,000 worth of damage caused to the family home, it appears she is secretly unrepentant, appearing to tell friends from hiding; “haa sorry like!! yeh im in hidin!! ekk its huge i tell u!! a fuckin house party ..im like soo dead like!! ekk hope u err liked it loop loop xx” and later appears to contradict her father’s estimate of the damages; “NO WAY 20K ..FUCKIN LIES !! ..WHAT THE FUCK ..WAY OUT OF CONTROL..MY STORY HAS YET TO B HERD ..LIKE THE REAL ONE!!!..URGH WE SHUD ALL GET A PARTY HOUSE!!!”
The friend ‘Rach’ went into hiding with prior to her arrest by Police states that she, Rachael Bell and another girl were caught on film by a neighbour as they “ran down the street laughing” the morning after the party and that they had considered “running away to Middlesborough to roam the streets.”
The friend goes on to blame the neighbours for causing the trouble, saying, “ppl at the party started ro retaliate against the neighbours who were chasing ppl with clubs n shit and thats how the fuss kicked off” and “that the neighbours tried to act more than the policve and thats y everyone got so pissed off.”
Further details began to emerge of the carnage in the house with one partygoer saying, “There was whipped cream all over the walls and doors, cigarettes stubbed out on the walls. Upstairs, we heard wardrobes were being pulled out, light fixtures pulled from the ceilings, all the drawers gone through.”
Another reveller, from Newcastle, described how “radiators were unscrewed from the walls, couples were having sex in bedrooms and strangers from as far afield as Manchester and Liverpool were falling asleep on floors.”
Meet Rachael Bell, Myspace party girl, whose actions led to around $20,000 worth of damage to the family home.
Still too ashamed to face her mum and dad Rachael said: “I’m really, really sorry about what’s happened.”
“I totally regret it. It was just supposed to be a party with a few friends and it turned into a complete nightmare. I’m sorry mam.”
“It was just supposed to be a small gathering with about 60 people â€“ my friends are DJs and said they’d play,” she said.
Doesn’t get any smarter, does she?
Some people are dumb, some are dumber and then you have 17 year-old Rachel Bell, formerly of Chipchase Court, Woodstone Village, Houghton-le-Spring, County Durham, who advertised on the Myspace website that she was throwing an Easter Monday, “Skins Unofficial Party” while her parents were away.
Now for those who don’t know, “Skins” is a Channel 4 television programme about teenagers who generally get up to all sorts of debauchery and leave a trail of destruction in their wake. According to the Urban Dictionary, a skins party, “is a huge party in someone’s house where nearly everything is broke, lots of people are having sex and almost everyone is either drunk or drugged up.”
So it is of no great surprise to learn then, that after the open invitation, with the subtle subtitle, “let’s trash the average family-sized house disco party,” appeared on Myspace, some 200 teenagers descended on the sleepy corner of the sleepy village ready to, well, trash the place.
According to reports, some £20,000 to £30,000 worth of damage was caused to the property during the event with teens from across the country stubbing cigarettes out on the carpets and barricading the back door to prevent neighbours from intervening.
When Rachael’s parents returned home on Tuesday morning after being alerted by a neighbour, they found that the drink and drug-fuelled party-goers had urinated on Mrs Bell’s wedding dress and children’s clothes after removing them from the wardrobe and apparently wearing it; stolen cash and jewellery; swung on light fittings, ripping them out of the ceiling; left behind buckets of vomit and dyed the girl’s brother’s Fred Perry clothes “because they didn’t like chavs“.
They also urinated in all of the cupboards and against walls and rifled through every drawer looking for valuables, left condoms scattered around the home and poured beer, wine and spirits over the floors and carpeting.